i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
