Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
