Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
