it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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