dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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