I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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