I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
