Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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