***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
