you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize