We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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