Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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