just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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