so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
