A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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