If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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