He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
