Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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