I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
