Moan for me like Helen Keller
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
