I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
