Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize