It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
