I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
barbara walters just said penis...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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