Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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