I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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