does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
