All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
