That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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