yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Ketchup is God's man juice
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
