I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
