Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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