Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
