party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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