I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
