Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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