I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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