1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
