I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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