I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
