Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
