My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
