the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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