I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize