I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
