I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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