Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
