went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
