I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
