every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
