Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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