She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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