sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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