we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
