she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Why can't burritos get me drunk
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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