Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
