Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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