All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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