I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
