Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
